This was the question posed to me in casual smalltalk with my manager. It was a question meant with the best of intentions, however it started me thinking. My manager is still young at only 22 years old, yet there seemed to be an inbuilt impression that everyone should be in search of their soulmate. It’s like that for the vast majority of our generation. We all have this ingrained notion that we should be in search of our one true love. Whatever happened to these years being the years of self-discovery and experimentation?

Now, I’ve written before about how it seems our whole circle of popular culture seems to be focused on relationships and love. But maybe I was wrong. It appears that it’s not just popular culture influencing our never-ending requirement for a lover and life partner. How many times have you looked at the token couple in your clique and longingly thought, “Why can’t I find someone that loves me like that?” and immediately had it set in your mind that you needed a partner? It’s not an uncommon occurrence. In fact, it’s an increasingly familiar situation. Perhaps even more so than popular culture, we’re being peer pressured into our need for a partner.

What’s worse is that with the rise of social networking, there is literally no escape from the relationship pressures. Facebook, Twitter, even my beloved Tumblr, are all falling to the barrage of relationship status changes and status updates about how great someone’s partner is. There is one boy on my Facebook friend list who constant posts statuses about his amazing girlfriend and how he wished he’d stayed home with her instead of going out with the boys. It’s clear he’s head-over-heels for this girl, which is great for the both of them. But at the same time, every single woman on his friend’s list is sitting at home wishing for a man to choose them over the boys (Which, girls, you’re rarely going to find in a man between the ages of 18 and 24).

The youth generation of today is slowly turning into a mass of loveaholics. Between the peer pressure being placed on us and the influence of popular culture stronger than ever, it’s no wonder we’re obsessed with finding love. We’ve all become scared that we’ll never find that special person who will always be there for us. We’ve become jealous of the people that have what may or may not be that person. Why are we all so scared about not finding love when we’re still so young? What a lot of people are failing to realise, is that it is okay to be single AND ENJOY IT. Whatever became so horrible about enjoy single life? Sure, there are some obvious downfalls; the unadulterated lack of sex, no one to come home and bitch about your day at work to, no one to fall asleep next to. However, there are so many benefits that people often forget in the onslaught of tabloid love.

Flying solo means you can do whatever you want, when you want. If you go out on the town and flirt with some boys to get free drinks, guess what? It’s completely okay! If you want to be a little bit risky and dye your hair Rihanna red, guess what? You can do it without someone shutting down your confidence. If you want to spend the night at home munching down a whole block of Cadbury Dairy Milk and watching The Devil Wears Prada, guess what? Not only can you do that, you can do it all in your comfy trackies with no make-up on. The benefits for the lads are there too. That sexy girl with the great arse on the dance floor? Feel free to go try your best to take her home. The new edition of Halo or Call Of Duty? You can play it for the whole weekend, guilt-free. Going out for a night of booze and the boys? You have no one waiting at home for you, irritated that you chose your mates over them.

These are the years where we’re meant to get so drunk we can’t remember the trip home; the years where we’re meant to have random dance floor pashes with someone who’s name we don’t know; the years where we have the time to be spontaneous and ridiculous. Our addiction and fears about finding the one is stopping us from living our lives to their full potential. Honestly, who really wants to find their soulmate at 20 years old? It’s taken me a long time to realise that being single is fun. No one to answer to, no one’s opinion but your own, no burdens except your own. Our generation needs to take a giant step back and really look at the world around them. Stop being scared, stop being obsessed, take a deep breath and jump head first into life. Things are a lot more fun when you’re living without trepidation and apprehension. These are supposed to be the best years our lives. So let’s make sure they live up to that expectation.

This was the eternally famous quote from Isla Fisher’s character in The Wedding Crashers. It was the trademark line of her slight psychotic and neurotic character who became inescapably attached to Vince Vaughn. However hilarious the movie was, the crazy clinginess of Isla Fisher’s character is suddenly becoming an every increasing trend among young women. It’s no wonder men are getting scared off!

There’s no denying that we are the Facebook generation. I, like so many others, have this undeniable need to share close to everything I do with my few hundred Facebook friends. I have always believed that in spite of my desire to broadcast my life, some parts are better left untold. Part of this is my love and sex life. Even while in a relationship, very rarely did I ever write on my boyfriend’s wall. It wasn’t something I found necessary. However, it seems that all my Facebook stream is clogging up with these days is declarations of electronic love.

TDAs (Technological Displays of Affection) and PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) are now all too common sights in our everyday lives. How often have you walked down the street only to find a couple vigorously eating face, much to the dismay of the general public? Or seen that one-month old relationship posting “I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE PIE!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOX <3<3<3” all over each others’ Facebook walls? Or, of course, the couple in the corner of the club’s dance floor who could just as well be having sex? It was only today that SouthBank Train Station I saw a woman signing love messages and blowing air kisses to her partner on the platform. I actually felt somewhat embarrassed for the both of them. What I’m trying to determine is why are all these couples, especially females, so determined to show everyone what should be a private part of their life?

Although it was a little while ago now, while I had my significant other, it wasn’t something I felt the need to broadcast. The most that was seen on Facebook was a change of relationship status and maybe a comment or two on his status updates. The most that was seen in public was hand holding and a quick peck. Maybe it’s because I’m not an overly affectionate person. Although, the thought that is becoming more and more likely to me, is that I was confident in the relationship. I knew that we were both content and happy with one another and, hence, didn’t feel the need to justify that to the hundreds of eyes of Facebook and the people in the street.

So why do so many feel the need to justify their relationship to everyone else? Some people don’t have the confidence in their relationships that they should. Whether it’s because of their past dating experiences or perhaps the history of the one their dating. This need to engage in TDAs and PDAs is all part of the ultimate plan to let as many people as possible know that that person is no longer on the market. Sometimes there’s been an event, concerned with family usually, that has caused a person to try to grasp onto any form of love or adoration that they can. There are reasons behind the crazy clingy people of the world.

These elaborate and unneeded displays of love are just that: unnecessary. It comes down to having confidence in the person you’re dating. If you feel to need to constantly prove to everyone that they’re yours, or that you are in love, frankly you shouldn’t be dating.

Regardless of our unrelenting need to share things, your sex and love life is something that should really be considered carefully before announcing your undying love or how kinky and sensual your sex life is. It does make others feel uncomfortable, irritated and even resentment. And it’s not just singles who feel this. Quite often, your significant other can become somewhat turned off, even scared by the consistent need for affection. ezinearticles.com actually cited the number 2 reason for men breaking up with women as being ‘high maintenance’ or ‘clinginess’. It’s no doing anyone any favours.

The best thing you can do is relax. Have trust and confidence in your partner. Let them do their own thing and you’ll get more back in the long run. For everyone else trying to brave the PDA/TDA storm, hold tight. Stop feeling annoyed every time you see some outlandish broadcast of love or sexual tensions. Instead smile. The fact that a person needs reassurance that everything is okay and they are love just proves that the relationship isn’t as rock solid as it appears. Treat it as your very own Facebook Bold and the Beautiful and things will seem a lot more amusing. Smile, laugh and chill.

“I still want to be friends”

Something I could never understand about about a diminishing relationship is how often this line is tacked onto the end of the break up speech. It’s happened to me and I’m sure countless others have experienced it too. However, the thing I find even stranger than this is how two people who once shared intimate relations can remain ‘friends’ with no more jealousy or slight romantic tension between them. 

According to sources, the Royal Wedding occurring at the end of this month, between Kate Middleton and Prince William, will feature several of their former flames. Exes at their wedding. Whether it’s the rub it in their faces that they are now happily in love, or because they genuinely want to ‘be friendly’, I can’t see how this wouldn’t ring alarm bells with their current lover.

I’d had several friends attempt to stay friends post-break up. I have only seen it successfully work a few times. Regardless of whether or not you would like to be in a relationship with your ex-lover, there will always be the memory that once upon a time, they were yours. Ownership doesn’t dissipate easily.

My ex-boyfriend always made a point that he stayed friends with all his former flames. He thought it was assuring that he wouldn’t hurt me. So when it was my turn to change from current to former, there was the ‘line’, staring me in the face; “I still want to be friends with you because I think you’re an amazing person”. I made the executive decision to not take up his offer.

At the time, it was solely meant to be a stab to his ego because now he wasn’t friends with all his ex-girlfriends. But, looking back it really was the right choice. Although it may be hard to cut off all contact with your former lover, in my experience it’s the only way to truly move on. 

Some girls seem to find the period after mourning the loss, the hardest part: moving on. Sometimes it is hard to give up on someone that you once felt so much for. But it needs to be looked at objectively. You lived without them for several years and survived. You were happy. You had friends. You had a life. There was a time, before their arrival where you were content in life without that person in it. All that moving on takes is to search and find that place once again.

Living in a city of over 2 million people with your ex, of course, makes things a bit easier than when you’re living in a town of 2 thousand. You would think you would never have to see that certain someone ever again. What would the odds be of seeing them again? 1 in 2 million? Well, since moving to Brisbane City, I have seen my ex-boyfriend no less than 3 times in 4 months. In a city of over 2 MILLION PEOPLE. All you need to do is keep your head high, stand proud and smile.

I know several girls who only want to hurt their exes after a relationship. It once again comes back to the ‘moving on’ stage. These girls, or guys as well, haven’t decided to move on. Instead they dwell on pain that’s been cause and decide to return that. The best way of showing your ex that you’ve moved on or if you just want to piss them off, is to be happy and content. Show them that you’re better off without them. You don’t need them in your life. Because the truth it, you don’t. If someone doesn’t have the time of day for you, why should you waste time on them?

Then we come to another phase of the break-up. One that I see all too often these days. It’s usually a cry for attention, and is often in no way serious. The “I’ve given up on men/women”. To judge a whole gender off the actions of a few idiots is ridiculous. It’s like racism. You’re simply moving on from hurting. To make such judgements is simply dumb. There was a time there when I felt like I would never find anyone who would have feelings for me again. I know now that I was wrong. There’s an old saying that, no matter how old you are, what race, gender, religion, hair colour, eye colour, education level, whatever… there will always be at least 2 people in the world that will love you for who you are. It’s true.

Use break-ups as a time of learning, re-invention and discovery. You will never learn more about who you are than at this point. Since my break up, which was now around 18 months ago, I have learnt more about who I am and who I want to be than I ever could’ve in a relationship or before break-up. 

Let yourself feel what you’re feeling. But don’t let it consume your life. Love is a great feeling and it is an even better thing to share with someone. By letting yourself become depressed over someone no longer reiterating that feeling, you’re loosing the whole purpose of love and relationships.

There’ll be a day where you find someone who is absolutely perfect, and then you’ll realise why you had to go through all the duds. You were simply figuring out all the components of your perfect partner.  If you focus on becoming the best person you can be, you won’t feel the need to fall hopelessly and pointlessly in and out of relationships. Single time is you time. Enjoy it.

The most hated question was posed to me by my beloved female roommate the other night. The question dreaded by singles everywhere;

“Why are you single?”

After she noticed my slightly irritated look, she quickly followed it up with “Because if I was a guy, I’d totally do you!” and began to rattle off traits she thought I pertained, which were appealing to the opposite sex. Of course, I know that no harm was meant by the passing comment. However, it still caused a pinch of irritation to be quizzed as to why, after a year and a half of singledom, I remained a citizen of this realm.

Although whenever this question is asked, it makes me consider all my negative faults as to why I might still be single. I talk a lot, I can be fair cynical and abrupt, I can be rude, I don’t forgive easily, I can be very shy with people I don’t know. It tends to make any single person want to cower away into a corner because of their ‘riding solo’ status. The question of why, is never intended to do this though. It’s usually because the enquirer honestly can’t see any significant flaws, therefore can’t comprehend why said single is, well, single!

When it comes down to it, every person who is without an important attachment has feelings of insecurity. It’s part and parcel of a being a part of a society that is so focused on sex and relationships. I think this is where the old proverb of “One man’s trash, is another man’s treasure” comes in.

There will always be people and members of the opposite sex who will never see the beauty that other’s see in you. Some people just have their vision clouded by other forces that you will never have any influence over. These people really aren’t worth your time. So don’t let them waste yours.

I could never understand girls who say they’re attracted to men who ‘treat them mean’ or are ‘bad boys’. By telling a man that, you’re basically giving him a “Get out of the dog-house free” card. You’re saying that he can do things to hurt you, and that’s okay, because he’s a bad boy and you should expect it. This is so wrong. Many girls need to break out of this stereotype.

The major problem with ‘single and looking’ girls is that they are stuck in this notion of their ‘type’. That they can only date that type of man because that’s their type.

For instance, my ‘type’ would be your cute rocker boy. All throughout my younger years, Joel Madden of Good Charlotte was my dream boy. Basically, a few tattoos, short messy hair, funky dress sense, confidence (but not cocky!), strong (physically and emotionally), and opinionated. That would quite possibly be my perfect man. However, reviewing the men I have dated in the past… only one had a tattoo (and that was on his bum!), only one has had a decent dress sense, and none of which would ever fit into the ‘cute rocker boy’ category. 

It’s all about keeping your options open. If I was to only ever date my specific ‘type’, I quite possibly would have never dated a man! None of these guys were my perfect match, but it was fun spending time with them. And in the end, that’s what dating is about! If you’re not having fun, it wouldn’t be a very good date, now would it? There is such a vast mixture of people out in the world today that sticking to a set subculture of people to share your relations with would be an absolute waste. 

Coming back to horrors of singledom, us singles need to relax. Focus on broadening your horizons, meeting people you wouldn’t normally talk to and have fun!!! If something isn’t essential and isn’t fun, DON’T DO IT! Don’t be afraid to try a different flavour, a different activity, a different club, a different social grouping. Stop being afraid of something that you don’t understand and instead go and try it out. That’s when you have the best times.

From what I’ve heard, 90% of people have that one person who they will always want, that one person they will always love, but will not or cannot ever concede. It’s the type of stuff you read in books and see in movies. In Gossip Girl, it’s Rufus and Lily. In Harry Potter, it’s Harry and Ginny. However, these all have a somewhat happy ending when the couple unite and admit to their feelings. That’s why this is called fiction.

For me, though, it was a little different. Of course I’m still young and have a lot of my life to live. At this point in time, for me it’s not “The one that got away”, it’s “The one who never was”. We were never going to be in a relationship. We probably won’t ever eventuate into one in the future.

I know the way I feel and it honestly pisses me off. I am happy being single, but I can’t imagine my life without him in it. So I feel angry about the way I feel, happy because I can talk to him whenever, sad because I know nothing will ever be official, happy also because I’m not going to be in a relationship, also angry again because I know it’s both of our fears concerning relationships that have cause this.

How can one person feel so much emotion? That’s called being female and overanalyzing, my friend.

It was shortly after admitting to my mother that her little girl wasn’t as innocent as she thought anymore, that she told me “Too much emphasis is placed on girls’ virginity these days”. This was actually quite a comforting thought for me at the time since my first boyfriend and I had recently broken up. I didn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to be so close to someone.

It was only at work at a local restaurant where this conversation took place…

Girl: Did you know Lady Gaga didn’t loose her virginity til she was 17?

Me: Really? Kinda late…

Boy: Not really; it’s pretty average these days.

Me: Huh? Since when? Everyone I know lost theirs before 17.

Boy: Haha that’s cuz you grew up in Coffs Harbour.

Okay, so it wasn’t exactly those words. But it was along those lines. However, the idea of age of giving away your v-card intrigued me and I decided to investigate. My female roommate said she’d lost hers just before her 16th birthday. My male roommate shamefully admitted he was only 12. The 12 year old thing did result in my roomy being called a dirty pedo for the next few days. 

It was only about 2 years ago when 22 year old American woman, ‘Natalie Dylan’ (who didn’t want her name disclosed), decided to auction off her virginity on ebay. Before the auction had finished, her cherry had skyrocketed in value to above 2.5 million pounds. After having numerous men testify that it was a fantasy of their to take someone’s virginity, it made me wonder why.

Many men you talk to about sex will tell you inexperienced and unconfident women are horrible in the bedroom. So why were so many men so eager to have sex with someone who had never done anything remotely sexual before? And why was so much criticism being placed on this woman?

I am quite happy that I waited when it came to virginity. I’m happy that my first time was with someone I trusted and was in a relationship with. But as to why women are criticized and called ‘sluts’ for choosing to have sex for other reasons is beyond me. Since when did someone else’s choice on their sexual persona have anything to do with someone else?

I remember, after a night out at the movies, sitting at the wharf of my home town with one of my best friends (who happens to be male). After my incessant nagging for 3 days, he finally gave in and told me how many girls he’d had sex with. However, something he said really stuck with me;

“It doesn’t change anything, so why does it matter?”

This statement was and is completely and totally 100% true. Regardless of how many girls he’d had sex with, I wasn’t going to think about him any differently.

So coming back to what I was originally talking about; in the end, virginity is a personal choice. It is nothing to be ashamed of. And in the end, whether you’re a virgin until marriage, or loose your virginity at 12 like my roomy, it shouldn’t affect how people perceive you. Why is this? Because what you do in your bedroom is absolutely nobody else’s business. And that’s the way it should stay.

I have to shamefully admit that in the not too distant past, I was one of those girls who felt jealous of every happy couple she saw, felt a little pang of annoyance every time I saw someone’s Facebook status go from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’, felt like there was someone wrong with me because I was without a significant other. Throughout my school years, I was dubbed the ‘frigid’ one, much to my dismay. Whether I liked it or not, I was the ‘single girl’. This was until Year 12, when I finally settled for someone who didn’t quite fit my bill (Sorry if you’re reading this Wilcox, but it’s true). Of course, it didn’t end well. However, looking back I’m starting to question things; Why did I feel there was this expectation for me to be in a relationship? Why was I ‘frigid’ simply because none of the idiots in my year group took my fancy?

No matter where you go or what you do these days, you’re confronted by the barrage of expectation for you to  in a relationship or aiming to be in one. I suppose this dates back to the the early 1900s and before when women simply had to be married or she’d be criticized and outcast from society, eventually turning into the crazy cat lady who occasionally makes appearances on episodes of The Simpsons.

For some reason unbeknownst to anyone I can find, this anticipation has carried on into the 21st Century. Women driven to pursue careers are often insulted because they have chosen to either put their reproductive system on the back-burner or forgo it completely. One of the most notable of these women would be our very own Prime Minister, Julia Gillard. Love her or hate her, she was been the target of several sexist attacks solely because she has made the decision to focus on her political career instead of starting a family or getting married. I am at a complete loss to understand how the fact she isn’t married affects the way she governs the country. However, those comments and critiques are still well and truely out there.

Cinematic productions are another source enforcing the idea of pursuing a relationship. In nearly every movie you see, there will be the typical ‘boy meets girl’ side story. Even in a movie which glamorizes the notion of ‘fuck buddies’ or ‘friends with benefits’, the two characters eventually end up in a relationship. All of this makes me think; why are we all so desperate to be in a relationship?

At age nineteen, I have finally come to the realization that I don’t need a boy in my life to enjoy myself. That no-one ‘needs’ a relationship. Of course, we all have those nights where it would be nice to come home to find, not a pile of work, but a man to snuggle up to and east chocolate with.

We’re at an age where our lives are just beginning. We have so much freedom to enjoy. Why are we wasting time wishing for something that should just happen naturally? I’ve been told chemistry happens when you don’t really care about it or have time to spend thinking about it. I can actually vouch for this too. Since deciding that I don’t have the time or any real desire for a partner, I have never received so much attention from men. It is RIDICULOUS.

The real moral of the story here is that you need to drop the expectations and just focus on enjoying yourself. Once you realize your attention should be on becoming the best person you can and furthering yourself, everything else will fall into place. You’ll not only be a happier person, but you’re also not going to settle for the wrong man. High standards are not a bad thing and neither is being picky. Who knows? When you stop thinking about searching out your Prince Charming and enjoy life, he may just sneak up behind you without you even realizing.